It won't kill you, but you might wish you were dead...

No, the above byline does not refer to marriage, but something far more troubling, but not without some similarities. I am referring of course to my latest ailment, Ankylosing Spondylitis.

While both are lifelong, chronic and incurable, neither are life threatening even though at times they both might make you feel as though you wish you were dead.

My experience with marriage is somewhat limited, all right you got me, non-existent in fact. I can however speak with some authority about my experience with Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS). In the last year I've had test after test that showed nothing abnormal and I was basically told that there was nothing wrong with me, or in the words of my GP, "If there's something wrong with with you, I don't know what it is." I'm a little hard on the GP and in his defense, the symptoms I was relaying to him weren't exactly indicative of  AS and there's virtually no blood tests that says definitively that you have it. Athletes are trained to ignore pain, so I thought nothing unusual of my back pain, it was the fatigue that was my major complaint. Kinda non-specific I know. Also that statement assumes that I am, or was, in fact an athlete which may be a subject open to debate or at least another blog post.

Someone suggested I see this Russian doctor who kinda plays on both sides of the fence between modern and alternative medicine. Turns out the guy is a rheumatologist and spotted my AS immediately. If you have a mystery illness, auto immune disorder or food intolerance, I highly recommend him.

While modern medicine hasn't exactly failed me yet, I'm not exactly enjoying life. Things are a little worse than I've let on. I feel like I'm weeks away from being too sick and so weak that I wont be able to make it to my cushy self-employed desk job, even part time. The immune system is a complicated and not well understood system in medicine and treatment is more about managing the worst symptoms. The first couple rounds of medication have either had limited effect or I haven't been able to tolerate them, (For a definition of tolerance see "marriage.") There aren't many pharmacological treatments for AS so there are precious few steps on the drug ladder between easy- readily available, inexpensive with few side effects and and the heavy $15-25k a year injectable hard core biologic class of medications. The latter of which I'd prefer to avoid but am prepared for.

My Rheumy found that I'm gluten intolerant (soy and milk too) and thinks I will "recover well" with a gluten free diet. While waiting for that to kick in I've been pioneering and fine-tuning a revolutionary new diet. Its called the Nausea Induced Food Averse Caloric Deprivation diet, or NIFAC diet, and I don't recommend it, but its cheap (you actually save money while on it) and effective. I've lost 15 pounds in 2 months! By virtue of largely not being able to eat, I've unwittingly been on my new found diet for a month now and boy is it ever paying dividends! Side note: Be sure to drink plenty of fluids or you'll end up like me getting IV fluids with electrolytes for dehydration. While some of the weight  feels like it can be attributed to (hard earned) muscle, bone and sinew, the first ten pounds were fun. I mean really, who doesn't have ten pounds they'd like to lose? (Besides Javi) On the upside, having massive upper body muscle development is no longer an issue and fitting my massive biceps into a keg is no longer a problem. After 10 it gets a little scary though...

Two months ago the "Health-O-Meter" read a robust "180"

But Paul, We Have Questions...

I'd like to take your questions, really I would, but by the time you read this I'll be waayyyy out of cell range and not really available and not really caring to answer emails. So I've taken the liberty of anticipating some of your more pointed queries as relayed to me by my trusty inner dialogue.

"Paul, where's this headed and why are you writing about it?"
Thanks for asking as I sometimes can get side tracked and a bit "wordy" when I write. Then again I can sometimes be wordy when I talk too. Lets just say that sometimes I'm wordy in general and leave it at that.

Without telling anyone I'm leaving today with my posse and headed to deep Mexico.

"My Posse" That's just how I roll, yo.

I'm unclear as to what Mexico's immigration policy will be for my "posse." One thing I am clear about is that it will be an adventure!

Thanks to PM for watching the shop, Igor the Gurn Master
and the substitute Gurnsitter

"So Paul, where and why are you headed to Mexico?" Great question, thanks for that. I am traveling to Oaxaca, to be specific, to visit a Shaman. I am traveling all-out ex-officio, backpack laden, on-a-whim, not a care in the world, Pablo style. The only luxury I'll be bringing is my Vicodin Addled Reality, or VAR for short, and my Prednisone Infused Tissues, or PIT. Technically I'll also be bringing Nuclear Gut Frying Antibiotics, that great Wonder of Slumber, Ambien, Fire Eye Exstiguisher Restaysis, and of course my special friend, Prilosec. So for those of you keeping track at home its PIT, VAR, NGFA,  WOSA SPF FEER or in the aggregate MIF, Medication Induced Fog. Not to be confused with MILF, which is another thing entirely. FYI I tried really hard to make that acronym spell  "VALV.PITI" that way I could deny it was mine. Oops getting wordy again. So MIF and I are going to take Mexico by storm, dawg, and we're going to kick some spondylit-ASS! Actually I'm really just in it for the adventure and if anything comes of it well then woohoo.

"So Paul, how did this come about? Did you just Google 'Shaman' one day and say 'Oh that looks promising.'"  Agreed, this is a drastic step for one whose beliefs are so deeply rooted in the scientific method. Its not exactly... Google... Book a flight...Go, but since you asked its an interesting story. A friend of a friend, Gustavo, who's a medical doctor, has been struggling for years with Lupus (like AS, also an autoimmune disorder) and has seen all the doctors, had all the tests and taken all the drugs with little success. It was his sales pitch that convinced me to accompany him to Oaxaca. It went a little something like this:

"Look Pablo, I have been to one doctor after another, taken all the drugs, seen all the spiritual healers and the ONLY thing that has worked is this guy in Oaxaca, and I'm a Doctor! He doesn't charge, because if he does it doesn't work. You can pay him $1, $100 or nothing it's up to you. I have been where you're at. I've been in your place. I've been in your shoes, your socks, I've been in your pants."

OK, well, the last part of that statement loses a little something in translation, (besides being factually inaccurate,) but you get the idea.

"So Paul, aren't you scared to travel to Mexico now with all the drug violence?"

No.

"Ahhh, Paul, we all know you to be a leveled headed rational guy, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!?!?"

Yes, Yes I am.

So I was faced with a choice. Either wear out the couch cushions watching football, (there really are so many more games on each week now and in HD,) continuing to waste away waiting for the miracle of modern medicine to heal me or take advantage of the short lived prednisone lift and go get in a little adventure. After all I haven't had a REAL vacation this year. The 31 ski days I took don't count, neither does that 7 day cruise to Mexico as it was a "company event, they're like sick days for the corporati or the mill rat so I don't count them. Besides I'd hate to think this was my last chance for adventure and didn't take it.

"Paul, isn't a Shaman like some sort of Witch Doctor and what makes you think he has the Voodoo that will do you?"

What are you a cop?

Its true, the medically probative and diagnostic value of a Shaman may be the subject of scientific debate, it will, at the very least, make spectacular blog fodder and outrageous adventure! And you know how much I like adventure. Adventure for me is food for the soul and food is sustenance, the sustenance of adventure. Adventure is nourishing and nourishment is what feeds my adventurous life. Wait a minute, I lost myself there, what exactly was adventure again?

So as my prednisone levels rise, so does my thirst for adventure, (or is that thirst for water to fight the dry mouth of the prednisone?) and there's sure to be plenty of that as I'll be journeying into the land of no spell check, technology challenged smoke filled Internet cafes, poorly designed ergonomic keyboards with funky symbols and slow connection speeds. As if those could be the least of my issues. So stay tuned for more poorly punctuated enthralling blog post-a-poloza funtastic good reading. So I'll write again in a couple days for those of you keeping track. Feel free to comment indiscriminately and with anonymity, if desired. Even if the trip could kill me, I'm sure my adventure craving spirit animal would bring me back.

After all, I still have yet to get married.